‘I’m sorry that you are experiencing delays to your journey, but we are experiencing the wrong sort of rain…’ Which begs the question – what sort of rain is the ‘wrong sort’? The tube is mostly an UNDERGROUND train, it shouldn’t be affected by any kind of rain.

‘There are delays because… well, it’s the Central Line innit’ well – quite.

‘Can people please not lean on the doors of the tube. Can people PLEASE not lean on the doors… oh for goodness sakes, lady in pink with the beret, what’s that about? I’m talking to you. MOVE’. Love it when they name and shame.

‘There are delays to your journey because of communication problems’. What? Does this mean you don’t TALK to each other and that’s the problem?

‘You are at Shepherds Bush, next stop White City’. (Repeated in five different languages) Oh alright, show off. What are you doing as a tube driver if you can speak FIVE languages??

‘Right, to whoever is holding the doors open, everyone wants to go to work. I don’t care, I’m at work.’ Genius.

‘We’ll be waiting at this station because someone has soiled one of the carriages. We are currently waiting for someone to clear up this soilage. We will not be calling for emergency help as this is not an emergency – unless someone decides to make it one by getting their own back on the soiler.’ Eh?

‘May I remind everyone that as of last week, it is now illegal to consume alcohol on the tube. However, if someone was to drop off a bottle of vodka for the driver, I suppose I could turn a blind eye.’ Drink driving anyone?