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Station etiquette
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Have your Oyster cards ready! This enables the flow of the cattle herd tramplers to continue without stopping, prevents the backlog of queues in the station and minimises irritable commuters swearing under their breath (although to be fair you will always see some of these!). This particularly applies to Oxford Circus and Victoria stations that often have to shut the station concourse due to excessive queuing at the barriers.

Station etiquette

Don’t stand in the way of the platform entrance or exit. What is the matter with you? You have no right to be upset if people get irritated and ‘accidentally’ bump you on the way past as you block the hundreds of passengers trying to get on to the platform.

Don’t get to the front of the queue at the ticket office and THEN decide to plan your journey. This is simply bad taste and presumably only done to annoy others queuing, otherwise there’s just no reason for it other than sheer stupidity.

Station etiquetteDon’t stop after you’ve gone through the ticket barriers. In case you don’t know how the tube stations work, imagine a steady stream of traffic. People won’t stop and walk around you, they are officially in ‘Commuter’ mode. Definition of ‘Commuter mode’: a robot-like android state of consciousness with little regard for dawdlers, moving as part of a cattle herd and likely to trample.

Be aware that the clocks on the platforms are slow. When the say 2 minutes, they really mean 4 minutes, believe me – when I’m bored I count the seconds to test them and almost all are 2 seconds to every real second. So, with this fact now in mind, there is no need to stamp your feet/kick the ground /swear profusely/ or utter the lines ‘longest three minutes I’ve ever seen’ whilst waiting.

If the platform is busy and people are queuing for the tube, cleverly lined up where the carriage doors are likely to stop don’t just join this queue, the chances are, that one person stopped there in the beginning as a guess and others merely thought they knew something others didn’t. Take a chance – stop somewhere else and watch as they all look annoyed when you manage to get on board or, even better, get a seat! And for the rest of us walking along the platform, at least we’ll be able to get past the queues if you’re all spread out more. Double whammy!

If you can hear the tube doors closing as you are coming down the stairs towards the platform, don’t start pushing past people and sprinting along the platform. Odds on, you WILL injure someone and still miss the damn tube. The great thing about the tube is there will hopefuly be another one along in about 2 minutes so be patient, polite and less of a bruiser to humankind.

Station etiquette

There is a reason why there are signs saying ‘keep to the right’ on escalators – so that those who are, God forbid, in a hurry or like to actually exercise can walk up ahead of the people not moving. There is nothing worse than someone sprawling any which way over the escalator and causing a bottleneck of increasingly angry human traffic behind. This also applies to shopping bags, public displays of affection and those in their own little worlds. This is not the time or place.

While gentle hurrying is of course permitted, full-out running for a train is most definitely not. I’ve been knocked over by someone hurtling for the nearest carriage door without a moment’s thought to my welfare. Imagine if you’d just knocked down an elderly lady? You are going to be late for your appointment, accept that and leave earlier next time to save adding ABH to your list of crimes.

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