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Essential etiquette (part two)
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PDAs – public displays of affection. What, pray tell, is romantic about our stinking underground travel system? The slurping noises are not on, and in some cases I have been sprayed by over-affectionate snogging – please no.

Essential etiquette (part two)


Arguing. Have you no dignity? Save your troubles for the confines of your own house.

Shrieking – why is shouting necessary on a tube? We don’t all want to hear you no matter how excited or attention-seeking you are.
If you must play computer games, turn the sound OFF.

Umbrellas are weapons – use them wisely. Also, don’t shake your umbrella off when it’s been raining, or balance it against my leg. Thanks.

Men – if you have had one of the following the night before then extensive mouthwash, tooth brushing and consumption of mints is required BEFORE you get on the tube: curry, garlic or more than three pints of beer. If you have had more than nine pints, we can also smell the alcohol coming from your sweat pores – consider two showers.

Essential etiquette (part two)DON’T use the tube if you have a tendency to be sick with a hangover. Fainting, vomiting or anything that makes us have to pull the emergency stop lever is frankly the most selfish thing you can do. We become late; have to give up our seat, and smell of sick.

Always have tissues on your personage. Perennial sniffers are the pits. And don’t think we don’t notice you reverting to a primary schooler and wiping your nose on the sleeve of you shirt or worse, on your hand, then wiping your hand on the seat. EUGGGGHHHHHH.

If you are standing up, it is only polite to sit down if the seat directly in front or behind you is vacated. Movement towards any other seat is simply stealing from someone else.

Pregnant women – please wear a sticker so that we know, for sure, you are pregnant and genuinely deserve a seat. It will also stop us from potentially upsetting the more rotund.

Don’t carry on trying to have a conversation with your friend when: they are sitting opposite to you or more than one seat away from you and there are people in between. And don’t, and I’ve been on the receiving end of this myself, physically move someone out of the way so you can carry on your conversation. You know who you are, little miss central line.

Don’t fall asleep on my shoulder. This is not funny but rather a gross invasion of my personal space. We are strangers and this is just not acceptable.





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