If you live outside of zone two and actually get a signal, don’t try and use your mobile phone when reception is dodgy. Shouting ‘hello’ repeatedly is torture to our ears.

Don’t sing on the tube – you are not auditioning for a talent show, and will not be ‘spotted’. There is one special circumstance when this is allowed – see ‘how to get your own back’.



Don’t laugh out loud when reading a paper, book or text message, it’s not funny enough to warrant a laugh-out-loud moment, trust me oh attention seeker.
We all understand as a rule of engagement that the tube is not always reliable, on time or without fault. However, the continuous cursing, heavy breathing or shaking of one’s head is just not on. Don’t project your obvious anger management issues on innocent fellow passengers who feel the same but are able to keep their annoyance well-contained.

Continuous ruffling through your bag is not on. I don’t like being elbowed at the best of times, but not for the entire 40 minutes of my journey to work, fidget. Crossword enthusiast – this also applies to you. Oh, and for that measure, teachers – if you are marking work on the tube on the way in, you clearly haven’t done your homework. It’s not our fault and thus don’t do it and bruise us in the meantime. And for all of those who apply make-up on the tube, get up five minutes earlier – it will be kinder to our eyes and ribs.

If you are in the way of the tube door, get off and let the people behind you off. The tube won’t go without you and, if it does, it is probably karma for a previous tube offence.

Don’t hurl yourself onto the tube when it is packed. Ouch.

Is it really worth potentially wounding someone to get to work one minute earlier? You may expect a push back off if this type of behaviour continues.
Tourists – why travel to London in rush hour? It is, quite simply, selfish. And a further strain on the tube network itself. Why would you want to put yourself through that anyway?

Learn English… you are in England, no? This will enable you to understand what the announcer is saying and will probably mean you no longer talk over the announcement that I am so desperately trying to hear myself.

If you are speaking in a foreign language but still looking at us, it is no longer a secret that you are talking about us. Also, some of us speak other languages too. N’est-ce pas?


Sex pests – I know it is jammed, but do you need to linger your hand against my bottom?