‘I’m sorry that you are experiencing delays to your journey, but we are experiencing the wrong sort of rain…’ Which begs the question – what sort of rain is the ‘wrong sort’? The tube is mostly an UNDERGROUND train, it shouldn’t be affected by any kind of rain.

If someone keeps reading your newspaper over your shoulder, point the page in their direction as if you are making it easier for them to see. They’ll be so embarrassed they won’t do it again. Another deterrent to over the shoulder paper readers is, if you have almost finished your paper anyway, fold it up and leave it on your lap.

Yellow cards and red cards will be distributed by hidden ‘tube detectives’ for repeat offenders for any of the below rules. Mobile phones will be confiscated if seen to be used in any cases that are not emergencies. For all other reasons, a text will suffice as long as the sound id firmly switched off. Your mobile will be returned to you after your journey along with, if deemed appropriate, a yellow card as a warning.

If single, smile sweetly at a young man who is seated. With any luck he’ll sense the opportunity to impress and jump up quicker than you can say ‘nice suit’.

Have your oyster cards ready! This enables the flow of the cattle herd tramplers to continue without stopping, prevents the backlog of queues in the station and minimises irritable commuters swearing under their breath (although to be fair you will always see some of these!). This particularly applies to Oxford Circus and Victoria stations that often have to shut the station concourse due to excessive queuing at the barriers.

PDAs – public displays of affection. What, pray tell, is romantic about our stinking underground travel system? The slurping noises are not on, and in some cases I have been sprayed by over-affectionate snogging – please no.

If you live outside of zone two and actually get a signal, don’t try and use your mobile phone when reception is dodgy. Shouting ‘hello’ repeatedly is torture to our ears.

Personal space. Don’t read my paper over my shoulder. Just because I happen to stand or sit next to you does NOT give you special permission to invade my personal space, whether you are genuinely reading my paper or just thinking I haven’t noticed you looking down my top whilst disguised as reading my paper. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Don’t get on the tube before others have got off. If you do attempt this, expect a push/shoulder barge/elbow (delete as appropriate) for your troubles. If everyone obeyed this simple mantra, I would be one happy woman.